


Waiting For You

by Cutiejea



Category: Phandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 15:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9909959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cutiejea/pseuds/Cutiejea
Summary: Dan befriends someone he met in an online dating service.A/N: This is in reference to a song I wrote called 'Online Friend' (and is inspired by the song 'Undisclosed Desires' by Muse and 'DKLA' by Troye Sivan. Also inspired by 'Talking to the Moon' by adorableHowell (thank you Eden for sharing that fic).





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Depression, Drugs, alcohol, suicidal thoughts, language
> 
> Note: Please DO NOT imitate the stuff mentioned here as it's bad for your health. If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, talk to someone (even a few people in Tumblr can help you).

Today was like the usual Saturday.

Wake up, take a shower, eat breakfast, watch TV, go online and etc. I’ve been doing this for 6 years after my parents kicked me out to go to university or live my life as an adult, but to be honest, I think it’s so they can have the house for themselves. So today, I’ve decided to do something different. I’ve decided to take some exercise as I have nothing else to do this day. So I wore the darkest outfit that I can find, put on the sneakers that I got as a gift a year ago and went out. The sun was shining in London as I made my way to Hyde Park.

Hyde Park was being it’s usual self, old people doing yoga, kids and families having a nice day out, joggers running and you know the rest. I guess everyone have their lives fixed for them while for me, I just make videos about my life. It’s not that I hate it but it’s sometimes lonely to talk to your camera once a week, pretending that you are having a conversation with an actual human being knowing they love you for your online persona rather than your real persona. All I want is a friend, someone who is willing to know me for who I am, not how I project myself to be. I want to find someone who accept my quirks and my personalities and won’t judge if I talk to my camera every now and then to make ends meet.

I want someone like me to like me.

As I jog around Hyde park, looking at all the couples being all ‘lovey-dovey’ towards each other, giving each other flowers and shit. Even if I hate it, it’s something I yearn in my life. Sure I used to have a girlfriend but she and I broke up due to a clash of interest. She still didn’t get why I make videos and that I was ‘too weird’ for her. Total bullshit. Either way, I do miss the feeling when you hold someone’s hand and have the same affections towards each other. Most of my game nights are just me yelling at 8 year old’s in Halo.

After 30 minutes of jogging, I’ve decided to sit on a bench but minutes later, a couple came and sat at the empty spot beside me. I got out my phone so it looks like I was busy and so that they won’t interact with me. But it didn’t stop me from hearing what they are saying. They were acting all sweet towards each other that eventually, he proposes to the girl and she says yes. I took a short glimpse on the proposal and just rolled my eyes. Soon, the guy asked me to take a photo and I said yes just so I look like a nice person. I took one good shot and gave back his phone and walked away.

I went to the bridge and just looked at the sunset as the day was about to end. I got out a photo of me and my ex girlfriend as it was the only reminder that I have felt love in my life. But as shit my life is so far, the wind decided to blow away the photo I only have and it landed to the water where it sank and can no longer be retrieved. I closed my eyes and smiled for a bit as probably now is a good time to move on from the past, even if its the only thing that can remind me that I was once happy.

Later that day as I walked through the city, it feels like time slows down for me. As my hands are tucked in my pocket and I walked through the expensive shops and restaurants, I just see the blurred faces of the people around me. People holding hands or being on their phones to maintain a business or something while I’m just a kid with mobile phone on their hands with Twitter or Tumblr on. My phone began to ring and it was Chris calling me.

“Hello” I said.

“Dan, Pj and I are going to the bar later, wanna come? I have huge news” Chris asked.

“Sure I guess” I replied. “It’s not like I have other plans or anything”

“Great! See you at 8!”

He hanged up and changed the direction to my apartment. I live at the 4th floor and even if it’s in the city, the rent is decent since I live alone. I opened my wardrobe and got out my best outfit I could find. I then took the bus and tube to the bar and there, I meet Chris and PJ sitting at the corner near the window. They gave me a wave and I gave them a smile and walked towards them. I then sat down and that’s when we ordered our drinks. The waitress took our orders and left.

“Ok Chris, what is the big news you want to share” I asked.

“Eager hu?” Chris replied. “Let’s wait till our drinks arrive and I will tell you”

So the three of us just made some small talk and used our phones while waiting. Soon our drinks arrive and we all took a sip. Chris then was ready to announce his huge news for us so we all kept quiet as Chris tells us his announcement.

“Ok guys… I got the job!” Chris said. “I’m finally going to be the lead for this comedy film I auditioned!!!”

PJ and I were in shocked with our jaws wide open. It was Chris’s big dream to be in this film he auditioned as he will be working with other comedy stars. PJ and I congratulated Chris as his efforts have finally paid off.

“Cheers to Chris for getting the lead!” PJ cheered as we raised our glass.

“Cheers!” we chanted.

We soon took a sip but as PJ and Chris are being happy, I’ve decided to contemplate on given life I have so far. Did I succeed in anything? Are there any goals in my life? Am I happy with what I’m doing with the remaining years of what I have? The last question was easily answered… I’m not happy, but everything else, kinda. I’m not really sure due to my age but now is the time to do something about it.

The question is, where do I start.

As I arrived home, I threw my coat to the couch as I walk pass by the large 6 person dining table that’s mostly sat by one person. I then went to the kitchen and took some anti-depressants that I’ve been taking for quite some time now. I then walked through the dim hallway to my bedroom as I was guided by only the moonlight of the outdoors. I lay on my queen size bed with my black and grey sheets as I attempt to fall asleep. I don’t want to as my dreams are just going to give an illusion on how I want my life to be as when I wake up, I will be faced by the sad truth of reality.

I am alone and I just want someone with me.

Months have passed with the usual daily routines and endless suffering of being alone. I keep getting notifications and messages of Chris having a great time in the set while PJ is also working hard for a short online series while I just continued doing vlogs and wasting my time on the internet. As I was watching some TV, there was an ad of an online dating service. Normally, I’m not into these kinds of services due to scams (like the Nigerian Prince scam) but if I want to find someone in my life, maybe the internet can assist me like how it assisted to help me make a living.

I checked the website out and there were lots of people wanting to find someone in their lives. But just by looking through the profile photo and description, I can tell they are either fake or just wanting to find someone to fuck with. Some of these people look genuine but their description mostly involves things like ’I have a kid… looking of someone to help raise him with’ or ’Just looking for someone to fuck or talk dirty with for one night’. I know I will be taking a risk for joining into this type of service, knowing there are weird people online but I’ve exposed myself long enough to know what I’m doing. I clicked 'Sign up’ and gave in my details like my real name, my username, birthday, password and the rest. Then it asked for some personal questions like ’What do you do as a career’ and ’what are your hobbies’ and some optional information like ’describe your type’ or ’what age of a person are you looking for’. I’ve decided to leave some of the optional details blank as it seems mean and I have no idea how to answer them since I only have one girlfriend. It then asked for a profile photo but I’ve decided to leave it blank.

My account was set and I was ready to mingle… except I have no idea who I want to talk to. In my description, I placed ’Looking for a friend or someone to talk to’ just so I can push aside the people who are only there just to find someone to have sex with or the very desperate people who I will not describe. As I scroll down through the endless profiles, some decided to message me. One was from a user named 'Ricky101’. So I’ve decided to converse with this person.

RICKY101: Hi

ME: Hello

RICKY101: What brings you here?

ME: Just bored and looking for someone to talk to.

RICKY101: Oh… finding a hot chick to bang tonight right?!

ME: Um… not really.

RICKY101: Boring… You Do know this is a social dating service, not Facebook right? No one makes friends here

ME: I know.

RICKY101: Have fun loser

Ricky101 left the conversation.

There goes my first chance but he has a point, this was a dating service so why am I here to find a friend? Does it matter, kinda. Did it bother me, maybe. Did I care, now I do. But I continued to find a person to talk to.

After hours of jumping into chatrooms and conversing with random people, they haven’t filled my search of satisfaction. I just became bored as these guys are mostly people who are desperate to expose some flesh and just have someone to masterbate about. The night was getting so I’ve decided to go to sleep.

Weeks have passed since my first trial with this dating service and it was unsatisfactory. Most of these people are either cat fishing or actually finding love and I sometimes question why the hell I’m still here. I have acquainted myself with a few random strangers but most of them stop talking to me when they start to proclaim their love for me or that I tell them something that doesn’t seem normal to them like 'I make videos for a living’ or ’I’m not interested looking for love… just a friend’. Some even tried to seduce me by either showing some flesh or their profile pic and for the more desperate person, after reading my interest in my profile, wears some weird cosplay based on my interest. This has come to a point for me to stay away from that dating service and get some space.

The sun of the Monday morning has risen and I rose up to redo the daily routine which is my life. I called my mum to see if the family is ok and she replied with the usual 'It’s fine’ and 'We are proud of you’ and the same messages where in fact, the are still concerned with what I plan to do with my life. I’ve tried to contact my friends by they’re mostly on voicemail and aren’t that open minded to going out unless there is a huge announcement that happened in my life. I could contact my friends from high school or when I was in university for 2 years but they probably won’t remember me or too busy with their families.

So I’m on my own.

I sat down on the couch, turned on the tv and my laptop and continued my lazy browsing position. As I do that, my phone vibrated and it was another chat request from a person called 'AmazingPhil’. I wanted to step away from that online dating service due to what happened before but the profile picture looks normal to me so I’ve decided to give this person a shot.

ME: Hi

AMAZINGPHIL: Hello!

AMAZINGPHIL: :-)

AMAZINGPHIL: So… what brings you here?

ME: Just looking for someone to talk to

AMAZINGPHIL: Well, you can talk to me. You said you’re looking for a friend, here I am

AMAZINGPHIL: ASL?

ME: 24, M, UK. U?

AMAZINGPHIL: 28, M, UK.

ME: Cool

This 'AmazingPhil’ guy and I ended up chatting for hours, talking about our lives, our interest and having a decent conversation through the screen. We ended up chatting for hours till it was 4pm.

AMAZINGPHIL: I have to go

ME: Cool! Have fun I guess

AMAZINGPHIL: Hope we can chat again! It was nice talking to you

ME: Sure…

ME: What about we go here ever 1pm and talk about randum stuff

AMAZINGPHIL: Sounds like a plan!

AMAZINGPHIL: :-)

Danisnotonfire left the chat

I left the app and placed it on the couch. I then done something that I haven’t done for quite some time… I gave out a smile. I can’t stop thinking about what just happened online and it feel like it was something I was searching for. But after thinking about it, I just remembered that this might be a one time thing. There is no way he will go back online or even remember me! He might pretend to remember me but in reality, he may not. I may have chosen the wrong medium to make friends.

I then left the couch and cooked myself some Mexican food. I placed my food on the table which has always been empty. I like to imagine me talking to imaginary people as I eat, them with exotic food having weird conversations that it makes me seem like a crazy person when someone comes over and sees me talking to an imaginary cast of Winnie the Pooh. But it’s the only way to make it seem like I’m not alone.

I then lay my head on my bed after washing the dishes and taking those pills. I looked up and think about my life again. I hate living in reality. Living alone sucks and I just want someone beside me. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I just finished my Law degree in university. Maybe I would have been married with a sexy lawyer wife and live the life of society’s brainwashed sheep. I’m still living as their brainless sheep except with a defect in the programming. Out of the 7 billion people in the world, shouldn’t I be happy to be one who at least have a decent career or at least a place to sleep in? Why am I feeling ungrateful? Why do I want more?

A week has passed and talking to this ’AmazingPhil’ guy has started to scare the crap out of me, mostly because he is the only person I talk to online in that dating site. I need to talk to someone about this but who? It can’t be my family because they still don’t understand this whole internet thing. So the only person left in mind is PJ. I called him asking if he wants to come over and he was fine with it and is willing to come over. So an hour later, PJ arrived to my house and asked how I’m doing.

“Great I guess” I said.

“Ok Danny boy, what’s in your mind?” PJ asked. “What’s soo important that a Skype call can’t fix?”

“Well… I’ve been using this online dating app and site for a while now then I met this guy who seem interesting” I said. “But it’s starting to scare me since social interactions online seem to be a one time thing”.

“Dan, not all online interactions are a one time thing” PJ responded.

“I know but…” I said till PJ interrupted me.

“Dan, you are a smart boy. There is nothing to worry about” PJ said. “If something shady or unexpected happens, you have the power to end it. It’s the online world Dan, we can lie our way out of things without being caught unless careless”.

PJ left and what he said to me scared me. What if this AmazingPhil guy is lying just to get close to me. What if he’s a serial killer who is pretending to be a cinnamon roll. I need to be more careful now since we are reaching to the point where we are ready to share more of ourselves. I need to play my cards right. Why is making friends so hard for me?! Why can’t we all just be friendly like the Teletubbies?! I went to the kitchen and took more anti-depressants as I was getting more paranoid. I need a break from all of this so I gave Phil a message that I will not be online for a while due to plans, hoping that he will fall for that excuse.

I went out to a night club where maybe an energetic environment can help me get my mind off things. Loud EDM music were being projected of the speakers as people danced around the dancefloor. I first got one shot of tequila and from there, every event that happened snowballed to a field of confusion, fragmented memories and blurred images. I then woke up naked on my bed, hung over from yesterday and I looked around to see if anyone was with me. Turns out, there wasn’t but I couldn’t remember how I managed to get home. However, there was a note next to my phone saying ’Hope you feel better from last night :-)’.

I looked at my phone to see if there were clues on what happened last night and there were a few. Photos were saved on my phone and it were me dancing and hooking up with random women. Some were hot, some with their friends and even some random dudes I just met. There, my memory started to recover bit by bit but it was still foggy. It was nearly 10pm and I was super drunk. I was dancing till I flamboyantly flirted with another drunk girl that we made out in the middle of the dance floor, then an alleyway then everything was a blur from there. But I do remember someone taking me home but couldn’t recall who, probably it was the taxi driver. The only thing that remains is a messed up bedroom and a fucked up memory.

I walked carefully to the kitchen as I took some aspirin and right beside it were my anti-depressants that were about to run out. I took some and lay my head on the kitchen counter as I live my life with regret and boredom. I can’t believe I wasn’t able to pick up a girl. Even for random hook ups I’m still not worth it for them. I walked to the bathroom and took a shower and looked at my reflection at the fogged up mirror that I wipped off with my towel. I returned to the kitchen after changing, made myself some coffee and just looked at my phone as there is nothing else I can do. But from the moment I turned on my phone, more notifications of the dating service app came. Mostly from 'AmazingPhil’ wanting to talk to me.

ME: Now is not the time

AMAZINGPHIL: Someone is feeling moody

AMAZINGPHIL: Any who, hope you are home safe… it was weird you asked me for help.

ME: …

ME: Wut?

I looked at the previous conversation and the situation got weird. It turns out I contacted him during my time at the night club, asking for advice that I would normally wouldn’t do to someone I just recently met online.

(7:43PM)

ME: U there?

AMAZINGPHIL: Dan? I thought you were busy

ME: I’m just at a night club and I want to expose myself to the reality

AMAZINGPHIL: I see someone is going out of their comfort zone

AMAZINGPHIL: Be careful though as you don’t know what may happen

ME: Whatever

AMAZINGPHIL: Have fun :-)

(8:15 pm)

ME: Ok buddieee…. we need 2 talk

AMAZINGPHIL: Are you drunk?

ME: Why do you care? It’s not like you’re here with me.

AMAZINGPHIL: Do you want me to be?

ME: maybe ;-)

AMAZINGPHIL: Alright…

Danisnotonfire left the conversation.

I became confused in what just happened. Did I just flirt with this random stranger. I kept on scrolling and the situation got worse. It turns out we exchanged numbers and I told this guy where I actually was when the club closed.

I then heard footsteps coming closer to my location. I was scared that I was going to be attacked or murdered after the crap that happened to me last night. I became scared that I hid behind the counter, hoping no one can find me. The footsteps became louder and louder that the man approached me. I threw my coffee to this man’s face and crawled away from the location as I blinded the man. I then went towards my bedroom, bumping from wall to wall due to my drunken coordination. I reached to my room and got my old Guitar Hero guitars as a weapon. The man entered my room and I was holding it like a bat. He was wearing a red jacket with a white shirt underneath with some dark skinny jeans and a fringe almost similar to mine.

“Who… who the fuck are you?!” I asked.

“I… I just came to see if you are alright” the man replied with a northern accent. “I’m Phil… or AmazingPhil as you knew me online”.

“Wait… who?” I asked as I collapsed to the floor.

The man caught me and placed me on my bed. He then ran out and came back with a glass of water and he got from my kitchen. I was very skeptical on who this guy was an what were his intensions so I had to act very defensive because friendly or not, he may kill me.

“You need to drink Dan” the man said.

“How… How do you know my name?!” I asked.

“You told me last night!” the man said to me. “You gave me your number and I had to help you take to home. I’m just glad you live in near by”.

“What do you mean 'near by’?” I asked. “You live in this building don’t you?!”

“That’s silly… I also live in the city” Phil said. “It would be great though if we lived in the same building thou”.

Silence then filled the room as this became awkward. How can you start a conversation if you almost blinded a man with your coffee. I felt awkward as this is the first time we actually met, through a stupid drunken situation. Maybe start off with a basic introduction.

“I’m Dan by the way, or 'Danisnotonfire’ online” I said. “What’s your name again?”

“I’m Phil” the man said. “And I know who you are… you’re that video vlogger!”

“How do you know me?” I asked.

“I have friends with kids who watch you” Phil answered.

This just got very awkward as normally, grown up people wouldn’t recognise me. I looked down, thinking what else to say. Maybe an apology would do.

“Sorry about the coffee” I said. “I thought you were going to murder me”.

“Ah… don’t worry about it” Phil replied said. “I’m used to coffee being thrown on my face”.

I sat up on my bed and faced Phil. This was the first time I’ve decided to give him a good look on Phil’s real face. I felt embarrassed as this guy has a really nice face in real life. His eyes are blue and are shiny than what I’ve expect and his skin is pale like he’s never left the house in his life.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want this to be the way how we meet in real life” I said. “I didn’t plan for us to even meet at all”

“Sometimes plans have to be broken” Phil said. “So, what’s your story? You’ve left university and life hasn’t treated you well that decided that the online life is the path for you?”

“I guess you can read me like an open book” I said. “What’s yours? Prodigy for some family that you live a successful life except you can’t find someone to share it with?”

“Close… I also live the online life” Phil replied. “I’m a writer for a lifestyle blog I own. I work at home and make a decent living. I did have someone in my life but she wanted more than a guy who works in his room”.

“Touché” I replied.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect for you to be this young!” Phil said.

“Well… I thought you were already taken and you just wanted to have an affair with your wife!” I joked.

That’s when Phil’s expression changed from the joyful sunshine to someone like me. I might have triggered a memory of his that he didn’t want to remember.

“I’m sorry” I said. “I probably should have kept my mouth shut”.

“It’s ok! The wound is still fresh that I’m trying my best to move on” Phil said.

“Don’t tell me your wife cheated on you or something” I asked.

“It’s worse… she left me in the altar a month ago” Phil said. “Probably reunited with her ex-boyfriend that it was hard for me to find someone”.

“Oh crap… I really should have kept my mouth shut!” I said.

“No… it’s ok! To be honest, it’s fun living alone but if you’re nearly 30, it does sting a bit” Phil said.

“You know what… we should leave the apartment! I don’t want our first conversation to be a sob fest!” I suggested as I attempt to stand up.

“But Dan… you’re still not capable to move! From what I saw last night, you’re still a drunk mess!” Phil responded with concern.

“Phil… relax. I’ve been through worse! Plus I think fresh air can help me recover” I said.

We both went out to Hyde Park. It was 3pm so the sun is still shining. We decided to walk around in an arm’s length distance as this was weird for the both of us. Both hands in our pockets as we walked around the pathway as we see happy couples having a lovely date, some proposing and some even just relaxing in the grass. This just made the situation more weird and awkward as it looks like we’re dating. I mean, we both met in a dating site and we are now meeting in real life. We barely even talk during our walk, just short stares. By 5pm, I suggested to Phil that we go to the bridge as I enjoy seeing the sunset. As the sun reflects the various shades of orange in the river, Phil and I were standing close to each other, mostly because we are keeping each other company.

“This was nice” I said as I fell for the colours of the sun on the river and the sky.

“True” Phil replied. “Still sad thou since this is where I proposed to my fiancee”

“We can move to a different area you know…” I suggested as I faced him. “We don’t have to be here”.

“No… this is fine” Phil replied. “After all… I need to fill my life with new memories”.

“So, are you planning to find another female to mingle?” I asked.

“Soon” Phil said. “What about you?”

“So far, I just want to find fulfilment in my life. I don’t want to fall in love yet if I’m not happy with myself” I answered.

“Understandable” Phil said.

We both watched as the sun sets. The colours changes right in front of our eyes as the sky transforms into darkness as the stars and the moon is what lights up the sky and the lamp post around the park gets switch on. Phil and I faced each other as it’s time to go our separate ways.

“Any who… It was nice meeting you” I said. “Thanks for not killing me and taking me home”

“It was nice meeting you too!” Phil replied. “It’s not everyday that you meet someone who almost live in the same world as you”.

We both split up on the bridge and went back to our homes. During my trip home I decided to reflect on the day I had. Phil was a nice guy, he didn’t murder me and he seemed normal. Not to mention, he somehow gets what I’m going through. But the other thing in my mind is that he’s just some random guy online, some random bloke whole might be pretending until he strikes. I’m so confused, what’s with all this conflict in my brain? Why do I want to push away people who are kind and nice for me?

Weeks have passed and Phil and I has come to the point where talking on the dating app isn’t working and that we should actually meet in real life. We’ve been visiting each others appartments as we get to know each other more in real life. Phil has finished university which is normal for someone who is a brainless sheep in society but like me, he also has a defect. Phil was surprised that I dropped out and still living a successful life. We then also gave a preview on how we make a living through the internet and we even go out now and then as friends. We shared our sad stories of our failed love life, me and my ex girlfriend and Phil and his almost wife-to-be and how them leaving us just made us stronger but with a huge scar on our hearts. After all these meetings, there was one thing that I’ve never done in quite some time in my life until now.

I gave out a smile.

Phil saw it and he gave out a smile too. I then felt it, the feeling in your chest where your heart starts to beat fast. How can biology explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone? I started to blush a bit and faced the other direction as all of this was becoming too fast. Phil noticed my odd actions and tried to see if I was ok. I told him I was fine even if I wasn’t. I excused myself as I went to my bathroom. I faced the mirror and placed my forehead on it as it was a long time I’ve felt something like this before.

The moment I fell in love.

“Why… why now?” I asked as tears fell in my eyes.

It were tears of joy… the joy of finding someone who understands and someone you now wish to be with. But I was afraid, afraid that he may not feel the same way. I mean, the guy was almost married for pete sakes! Maybe I’m just confused, this may be a false alarm, a fluke that it’s just the high of being happy.

“Dan, are you ok?” Phil asked as he knocked on the bathroom door.

“I’m ok!” I replied as I flushed the toilet to make it look like I just went.

I turned on the sink for 30 seconds then went out. By the moment I saw him, I became nervous. I was never this nervous before, so why I am feeling this now. I don’t want to believe that I have fallen for Phil but it’s the only reason why I’m feeling this way. Phil left the apartment and I just lay on my couch, feeling confused. Do I love him or just the idea of being with him?

I turned on Skype and called Chris and PJ for advice. Thank god they’re available right now! I waited as they accepted the call. Both had their webcams on and smiles on their faces but I can tell deep inside, this is kinda an inconvenience to them.

“Sup Dan” Chris and PJ said.

“Hey, how’s the movie thing going on?” I asked.

“Great! Just finished a few scenes today!” Chris responded.

“So what’s in your mind right now?” PJ asked.

“Well…” I started.

I explained to them the whole story, how I joined a dating service app/site just to find a friend and how after a month of using it, I just realise it was a stupid idea up to the point where I feel like I’m in love with him but I’m still confused on how I feel. Both Chris and PJ were confused and in some stage, wanted to laugh but they get me. I then asked them what should I do and what am I feeling currently since it’s been a long time since I fell in love with someone. They both know how I feel currently and took in what I told them very carefully. The first gave it some thought and soon came out with a conclusion.

“Dan… it’s probably nothing” Chris responded. “You are just glad you found a new person that you don’t want to let him go”.

“Just give it some time. I’m pretty sure it’s just a false alarm” PJ said. “After all, you don’t want to become a brainless sheep do you?”

“I thought so” I said. “Anywho, thanks for the help” I said.

I ended the chat and I lay my head on the keyboard. I’m so confused and still lost. Why does this have to be Phil? What do I even love about him, his voice? His personalty? His face? This is confusing. I went to my room and went to sleep hoping that it can help get my mind off things. I lay my head on my pillow and view the large empty space beside me that could be filled with someone. I then had a short vision of Phil on my bed, holding my hand as we lay down together on my bed. I can see his smile as he faces me and I just stare there in tears knowing that I’m feeling nothing, it could be all a fluke. I closed my eyes as drift myself to sleep, hoping all of these emotions would fade away.

I have this belief that all of us are just brainless sheep, following the herd or status quo of society just so order will maintain and those who defy the system are those with a defect. Back then, I thought it was just me, a few of my friends, all the college dropouts, the ones who are suicidal, alcoholics, addicts and/or depressed and the people who want to cause trouble are those with the defect as we broke out of society’s expectations of a normal life and want to break the system. But all defects can be repaired and that is through your search for happiness as once you found what you seek, you will return into a brainless sheep in order to maintain that happiness. I had a defect for many years that I thought I was beyond repair and all the anti-depressants are just temporary patch ups to fix the bug in my programming.

But when I met Phil, I’ve started to regain the emotions that a brainless sheep would have and it started with me actually wanting to spend time more with him to the moment I started to smile. Now, I’m having fantasies about wanting Phil by my side which normally, it used to be just a blank space between me and the side table.

Phil is fixing all the damages…

Phil is bringing me out of the darkness…

Phil is the anti-virus I need to become a brainless sheep again…

Is this why I’m confused about my feelings for Phil, a guy I just randomly met online? Is it because he’s fixing me that I’m now on conflict with myself if I want to return into a brainless sheep? What if I do return into a sheep, will Phil return into a sheep with me, live our lives together as society norms even if our careers are just a small code that helps identify us from the heard. If Phil does repair my damages, will returning into a sheep be worth it?

I guess I can’t be broken forever. So if Phil does fix me, I will be satisfied to revert back.

But will he be there for me?

Many months have passed and Phil and I have went from Online friends to acquaintances to actually becoming real life friends. We now go out every now and then, met each others friends and mostly kept in contact with each other that we have each other’s keys to our house. We also know each others fears that whenever it gets very dark at home due to a storm, I would call Phil and he will always tell me that everything’s going to be ok. Every second that I’m with him, my heart continues to beat and I’m now to the point where I can no longer imagine myself without him. Every time I’m alone in dinner, I now imagine him with me rather than the Winnie The Pooh Characters that I constantly fantasise with (and sometimes, it becomes a tea party of both worlds). Whenever I sleep, I hug one of my pillows thinking it’s him with me. After months and weeks of analysis, it has came to this conclusion…

I love Phil… he just doesn’t know it yet.

I first told this to my parents to see if they’re cool with it, if they still accept me for what I feel towards a man I met online. My parent’s looked at each other with shock and confusion but their answer wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. My dad left the room due to disappointment but my mum gave me a hug saying that my dad is just adjusting to the idea since I’m not shaping up to the son he wanted me to be. My mother still accepted me since she knows that Phil may be the one I need to feel good about myself. I then told this to my friends and they accept me and are cool with the idea and will support me no matter what. The only one left I need to tell this is Phil himself.

New Year’s Eve has came and Phil and I decided to go to a New Year’s Party that’s happening in Hyde Park along with a few friends of ours. I went though my wardrobe, looking for something that will fit my mood as I have to tell him now. Think if this as a new year’s resolution. I then got a white shirt with a black jacket and some jeans, got my galaxy backpack and waited for Phil to pick me up. I was nervous as this feels like a date, even if it wasn’t. In my mind, I wondered on what Phil will be wearing for this event and if I just under or overdressed myself. I looked through my phone and went on that dating app where Phil and I first met. I read through them, reminiscing every moment we had together leading up to this very day. As I go through the past chat messages, I also planned how will I break the news to Phil and imagined each reaction that could possibly happen. I took a deep breath as all of these thoughts were getting too much in my head.

The doorbell rang and I stood up, turned off the power and went to the door, making the hallway lights the only thing on. I opened there door and there stood Phil with his plaid shirts and festive sweater. He then great me with a smile and I smiled back.

“Hey” he said.

“H-hi” I replied back.

“Someone’s nervous” Phil said.

I turned off the lights and closed the door as we made our way to Hyde Park and met our friends in one of the grass areas. We wave towards them and they waved back as we danced through the music that’s blasting through the speakers that’s surrounding the area. All of us danced and I was given an offer to drink but I declined as I needed to stay sober to make my confession legit as possible. After hours of dancing and chatting, I asked Phil if he could come with me as it was 30 minutes before countdown. I waved to my friends, giving them the sign that I will confess my affections towards him and they waved back wishing me luck. I took him to the bridge and started to act all causal about all of this.

“I can’t believe it’s almost the new year” I said as I looked at the water where the moonlight made the water glitter.

“I know” Phil said. “Even if that bitch left me, I’m glad I met you. You helped me recover”.

“I also had a shitty year as well” I said. “I’m just glad I can end it with a smile”.

I then faced Phil as he was looking at the sight in front of him. I looked on how his face shined from the moonlight and I took a deep breath as now is the time to confess.

“Um… Phil” I said.

“Yes” he said as he faced me.

“I’m serious when I say this so please don’t freak out but…” I said till Phil interrupted.

“You don’t have cancer don’t you?!” Phil asked in fear. “Please don’t tell me you’re dying!”.

“I’m not you nerd!” I said. “Listen… I’m sober, I didn’t took a sip as I want this to be legit as possible. Phil… I love you”.

“Aw… that’s cute” Phil said. “I like you too”.

“No… that’s not what I mean!” I said. “I mean I legitimately love you, with feelings and shit! I can’t stop thinking about you every night and day and whenever I see you, my heart beats really fast or sometimes just skips a beat!”

I then pulled his shirt and gave Phil a kiss on the lips. I then pulled away and looked at the other direction.

“I’m sorry if this was all sudden but I’ve been having a crappy life and when you came in to mine, you somehow fixed me. You got rid of all my demons and fixed my heart. I have never smiled in my life until I met you. I love you Phil and I mean it!”

Silence filled between us as tears started to fall of my eyes. All that load was finally release that I managed to remove the weigh on my shoulders. The only thing that was in my mind was his answer. His eyes were wide open and he was speechless. I begged Phil to say something but still no answer due to the aftershock of what happened. Each passing second of silence felt like an hour of me dodging bullets as I needed to stay strong and soon enough, Phil finally said something.

“I’m sorry Dan… I just don’t feel the same way” Phil responded. “I was left at the altar this year and even if I wanted to go back to the dating world, I just don’t see a future with you in it as a lover. I’m sorry”.

What Phil said broke me. My eyes were wide open and more tears started to fall. Phil tried to come closer to me but I moved back as I don’t want to feel his skin touching mine. My chest started to throb as it was enduring all the pain I was feeling. This was no longer a repair from my defect, it was a full infestation of the virus that the anti-depressants were trying to prevent from entering through my system. Phil kept apologising and I kept saying I was fine with it even if I wasn’t. I ran away and left the party as I made my way home. Phil tried to call me back but I just kept on running as it was too much for me to hear his voice say my name. My friends saw me running and tried to talk to me but I chose to ignore them.

I then arrived home, moved all the dining chairs to the door and immediately went to my kitchen. I got out the alcohol that I never drank and the remaining bottles of anti-depressants that I stop taking as back then, I thought I didn’t need them. I thought Phil was the reason for me to stop being a mess but in the end, I winded up in a bigger mess. I know alcohol and drugs don’t mix but I was too broken to ignore the warnings and just gave myself an overdose. Instead of one, I took 5 pills with a sip of beer every 5 minutes. I then heard the fireworks from outside and it just made me feel worse.

“Happy New Year my ass!” I said as I took more drugs and alcohol.

Soon, my phone kept on ringing and it was from Phil and my friends trying to contact me. I threw my phone to the wall of the hallway and yelled as I was in too much pain. What was I thinking?! The guy was left at the altar, there is no way he will fall for me. After 10 minutes of the distant sound of fireworks and the people in the street cheering, I was exhausted and in really bad shape that I celebrated in my hallway. I then heard knocking on my door and I did not open it. And if Phil tried to break in, he wouldn’t be able to enter. I went to my room and just cried myself to sleep as I can’t stop seeing his face. The rejection was too much to bear and I thought I was strong enough to take it but I wasn’t.

I wanted to die…

I want to delete myself from this world and go to the next…

I want the virus to fully infest on my programming and break me till I can no longer breath…

I just want to no longer feel anymore….

“I love you Phil… and it hurts” I said as I hugged my pillow, imagining it was him for one last time.

I closed my eyes as my lungs felt like I was being suffocated. My breathing was irregular (probably because of the drug overdose mixed with alcohol) and I just have a massive headache that I don’t think medication can fix. All I can do now is survive the night on my own while my mind replays my feelings towards Phil.

I love you…

Like all defects, a better way to fix it is to restore to factory settings rather than paying for an repair service. That way, you can start over from scratch and work your way back to the top.

The entire January was me trying to forget what just happened. For a start, I deleted and block Phil from my contacts and removed him as a friend in all my social media accounts, deleted my profile in the dating service app and the actual app itself in my phone, throwing and deleting all the photos of him and us together of just random shots of him, deleted the link to his blog from my bookmarks and find other work to do to forget about him. All I can do now is now restore myself into a brainless sheep just so I don’t have to suffer anymore. I went on hiatus online and lived with my parents for a week. While my dad gave me the huge bowl of 'I told you so’, my mum comforted me telling me everything will be ok like any mother would do. I never told them about my drug and alcohol overdose during the new year as I didn’t want them to worry about me.

Meanwhile, I’ve been hearing stories about Phil and how he found himself a girlfriend. Normally, I would be happy for him but in my heart, it still carries the pain of rejection. I isolated myself from my friends and the online world as I needed time to think and calm down as I still feel like shit. Nobody loves me no matter how hard I try.

February was painful as advertisements were about Valentines Day and how everyone should be with their lover and the same cliche messages leading up to the day. I was informed by a few of Phil’s friends that Phil kept calling me during the past few weeks but since I blocked him, he can’t reach me. Phil even tried to write letters for me but I just threw them to the bin as I don’t want to hear anything from him. During my recovery, I’m starting to forget 1/3rd of my memories of him. But there were times when we crossed paths and I’d see him with a girl and I’m just standing there, looking back, seeing them holding hands and having their arms around each other. I see him looking back at me for a glimpse second but just left me alone in the pathway.

The girl was pretty. She smiles at him and I can see that they both love each other. And just seeing that just reminds me when I get close to him, have my head on his shoulders and how we walked from place to place next to each other. I continued to make my way to where I was supposed to go as these memories haunt me in every step I take.

March showed a sign of change as I have forgotten how he looked like and all the memories I used to cherish. I’m now able to get through my day without thinking about any feature of him or any past moments with him. It was also when I dedicated my time to work on my career as a content creator. My views grew and more people got engaged with my content. Now, it’s starting to feel like how it was like before I met him, the days where I just spent my life in the internet. Everything was returning to the way it used to be.

April was the last month of my recovery as I finally let go of the anti-depressants and just accepted life as it is. I have accepted what my life has become and what my role is in society. In other words, I’m now a brainless sheep. I’m finally over him and that is good enough for me to live the live I was given. My friends are glad that I’m finally feeling better but still concerned that I’m not the 'Dan’ I used to be and I don’t mind. I finally found my place in the system and as long it will treat me well, I will no longer be a defect. If Phil is happy to be with someone else, then I should be happy for him as well.

Today, I was invited to watch Chris’ movie and I accepted to attend. I went out to the cinema and met up with PJ and Chris was there at the red carpet, being all famous and stuff that we are glad he has found his calling. PJ and I got our popcorn and soft drinks that as we were leaving the snack bar, I then saw a glimpse of a person with the same fringe as mine, wearing a galaxy jacket. It was Phil. He looked back at me and I just made my way to our seats.

After the movie, I decided to skip the afterparty with Chris and Pj and just went to Hyde Park. It was dark and the sky was shining brightly. I looked at the moon as it was very pretty from where it is. I still wished there was someone there for me though but after all the effort just to forget about someone, it was probably best for me stop falling for once. I then looked at the right and saw the man with the galaxy jacket from the cinema. I just ignored him and just looked at the water that’s shining right in front of me. Phil then approached me and gave a smile.

“Hi” he said with a northern accent.

“Hi” I said. “How you been?”

“Great” Phil said. “I can see you’re doing great as well. It’s nice we’ve meet again Dan”.

Tiny images of memories started to flash a bit in my mind as he said my name but I chose just to ignore it as it might be just some tiny fragments of my imagination but I still want to know why he’s talking to me after the pain he has caused.

“What do you want?” I asked as I looked away.

“I just wanted to see if you’re ok” Phil said.

“I’m fine” I said then tears started to fall into my eyes. “I’m sorry but I have to go but it was nice seeing you too”

“Dan… you do know I still worry about you right? Phil asked as I started to walk.

“I know” I said as I stopped for a brief moment as the pain was too much. I needed to leave.

Phil tried to grab hold of me as I was about to leave but couldn’t get a grip of me. I got a call from PJ to go to the location of the after party as Chris may need help going home. I then looked back when I was a distance away from the bridge and see the man looking at the water, the same way as I was doing it a while ago.

May has come and it mark the month when we first met online and it didn’t bother me at all as it just felt like it was all a dream that will never be real. But the situation isn’t going so well for both parties. Two weeks in to the month and I just received news that Phil died in his apartment recently. A friend of Phil came over to my place, knowing that I haven’t replied to any of Phil’s messages and letters just to tell me the news.

“Dan” his friend said to me. “I know you hardly even care anymore but… Phil died recently.

"I’m sorry?” I asked.

The person gave me a fancy white envelope and in it is an invitation to go to the funeral. I read the invite and this person explained to me how it all happen as he was still young and just turned 29. I was told that after our recent meet up, Phil and his girlfriend had an argument and he just lost control of his emotions and self control that he quit his job and gave in to drugs and alcohol and after a week on doing so, he got very ill due to the overdose that his immune system collapsed and died in his apartment. It was 3 days later that he was found dead by his neighbours.

“How is this have to do with me?” I asked. “He hardly talks to me and I’m not involved in his life anymore”.

“You were once friends with him and I know you tried your hardest to forget about him and move on but it would be nice if you attended the funeral” his friend told me. “You were all he ever talks about since he was left in the altar last year”.

The following week, I attended the funeral which was held outside near a chapel. I looked at the casket and there lies Phil’s body. Even if make-up was applied to his face, we can still see the bags underneath his eyes. Just seeing him just brought back a few memories and tears but I tried to stay strong. Each of his family, colleagues and close friends were asked to write a eulogy and I was one of the chosen few. Even if I couldn’t remember much of Phil, I just used what I was given, that he was my online friend.

I talked about how we used to be very close and we just met using a dating service app. When we first met in real life and how I attacked him with coffee because I thought he was going to kill me. Then we bonded over the pain but there was conflict that I had to let him go, no matter how much it hurts.

I left the chapel after I said my eulogy as I didn’t belong there. I’m no longer part of Phil’s life so there is no point in staying. I made my way to Starbucks, got myself some coffee and just looked outside at the fogged up window as I drank it. I then went to Hyde Park and went to the bridge as the suns sets. I closed my eyes as I’m starting to miss him. I missed every bit about him that he’s dead and I can no longer see him again. I kept on praying that I would be the one who will die so that the pain would fade away but in the end, it was someone who I used to have feelings for who end up passing way.

Sometimes, the things you want to forget will come back no matter how hard you try as I started to cry my heart out. Phil was gone, Phil… the guy who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with… is dead. I haven’t said goodbye and just left him in the dust as I wanted to detach from him.

I then saw a ghost like figure approaching beside me. It was in the shape of a human and soon started to take shape into Phil. He then looked at the sunset like we used to do and gave out a smile that I can’t forget.

“Any who… It was nice meeting you” said a ghost shaped version of me right at the opposite side of me. “Thanks for not killing me and taking me home”

“It was nice meeting you too!” the ghost like figure of Phil replied. “It’s not everyday that you meet someone who almost live in the same world as you”.

When he finished that sentence, he faced me and gave me that smile and soon disappeared. I then fell and sat on the bridge, feeling all depressed, breaking into tears and now living in regret because I lost a friend. I just sat and cry and after a while, someone placed their hand on my shoulder.

“Are you ok?” asked a female person.

“I’m not” I said as I looked at the opposite direction. “A friend died and I’m just upset”.

“It’s ok” the girl said. “Someday, you may find someone who will replace that person dear to you”.

I looked up and it was a girl with black hair and a fringe that’s almost similar to mine. She gave out that smile that felt welcoming and familiar. She then offered me her hand and I took it and stood up. She then gave me a hug, telling me everything will be ok.

“So, why are you here?” I asked.

“I broke up with my boyfriend and I usual go here to see the sunset as it helps clear my mind” the girl said as she faced the steam of water. “Don’t you just love how sunsets creates more character to the water”.

I walked beside her and agreed with her. She then faced me and brought out her hand.

“We haven’t been properly introduced” the girl said. “Hi, my name is Philippa”

My face was in quite a shock but I went on with it as there is nothing wrong to making a new friend, especially if you make some in the weirdest conditions.

“I’m Dan” I said.

“Nice to meet you Dan!” she said.

We shook hands and everything about her just feels like it’s him but reincarnated into this woman but she is different. But whoever she is, I want to get to know her more as this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

“So Philippa, do you want to get some coffee?” I asked.

“I’d love too” she said.

We both left Hyde Park and I looked back for just a second and standing there was Phil, smiling at me and soon disappearing with the wind. I then wrapped my arms around this girl as we made our way towards the nearest cafe, moving on from the man who I used to fall for.

I will miss Phil and sure, I spent a lot of time to forget about him but sometimes, the best and worse things in life can’t be forgotten. Maybe my misfortunes aren’t a defect but rather than a patch that needs to be fully installed and upgraded. I don’t know where my friendship with this girl will take me but whatever happens, I hope this new upgrade in my life can give me the happy ending I was looking for.


End file.
